It looks there for the taking, doesn’t it? The third rock from the sun just sitting there, all defenceless, run by squabbling politicians ruling over a human race who’d rather be sharing “get ready with me” videos than vigilantly watching the skies as they should be.
But next time you set your sights on invading planet Earth, remember that it’s easier said than done. Some of the mightiest alien attack forces in existence have met their match in this particular corner of the Milky Way, as the residents of this nondescript ball of rock have repeatedly found ways to repel extraterrestrial attackers — even when they’re massively outgunned.
So don’t embarrass yourself in front of your attack fleet. Having painstakingly researched numerous previous assaults on Earth, we’ve assembled a guide to all the things you should — and indeed shouldn’t — do the next time you try to bring those snivelling humans to their knees. Follow these tips, and the Earth can be yours to do with as you please.
DO… target major landmarks
Case study: “Independence Day”
If you really want to show your prospective underlings who’s boss, you’ll need to make a big entrance. Hovering over major landmarks (eg: The White House, The Empire State Building, the Capitol) is a great place to start, as the eyes of the world’s media will be upon you.
Some bystanders will think you came in peace, of course, but by the time the masses have realized what you’re up to, it’ll be way too late for those puny humans.
DON’T… invade if you have a severe allergic reaction to water
Case study: “Signs”
Don’t be like these crop-circle-obsessed idiots. If water’s not for you, you really shouldn’t set your sights on a planet whose surface is over 70% water. There are other, less soggy worlds to conquer.
DO… dress up as the personification of evil
Case study: “Childhood’s End“
A bit of a cheat code, this, but if you really want humans to fear (or, at the very least, respect) you, you could do worse than model yourself on Satan/Beelzebub/Mephistopheles/Old Nick/the Devil/whatever you want to call him. They’re sure to hang on your every word, though do be prepared for them to assume the worst of you, even if your intentions are good.
DON’T… get cocky
Case study: “Superman II“
Earth’s famously yellow sun works such wonders on Kryptonian physiology that it can be tempting to get everyone you know kneeling at your feet. Alas, hubris is a one-way ticket to the Phantom Zone.
DO… plan ahead
Case study: “War of the Worlds“
Transporting invading forces down to a planet’s surface can be such a time-consuming process that unnecessary delays could give locals an opportunity to mount a resistance — inconvenient, to say the least.
By playing the long game, however, you can bury your vehicles of mass destruction underground centuries before they’re needed. A few carefully deployed bolts of lightning later, and you’ll be frying humans for fun.
DON’T… get drawn into crazy conspiracy theories
Case study: “The X-Files”
Infiltrating the upper echelons of existing Earth governments may seem like an oven-ready route to taking control. But unless you have a clear, easy-to-define plan, your followers will get bored long before your Machiavellian schemes come to fruition.
DO… turn Earth into a pre-industrial society
Case study: “The Tripods”
Applying mind-controlling “Caps” to 14-year-old Earthers is a smart move that can ensure they’ll spend their lives worshipping you as gods.
But arguably the Master’s smartest move was rendering all Earth technology obsolete, making all the advances of the Industrial Revolution null and void – nobody’s going to fight off your giant three-legged war machines with pitchforks and rotten cabbages.
DON’T… telegraph your arrival
Case study: “3 Body Problem“
There’s a lot to be said for surprise attacks.
So if you’re confined to sub-light speed travel (damn you, Einstein!), it’s probably best not to give humanity a few centuries’ head start — even if you’re not confident their tech won’t surpass yours in the meantime.
DO… go back to an earlier point in history
Case study: “Star Trek: First Contact”
It’s said that the definition of madness is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. Cybernetic terrors, the Borg were quick to realize this, and — after one too many defeats at the hands of the technologically inferior Federation – changed the rules of engagement by travelling back in time to assimilate humanity before they had the wherewithal to fight back.
Employ this method, and resistance really will be futile.
DON’T… limit your aspirations to a small town
Case study: “The World’s End”
We get it. You find a small suburban town you like – with more than its fair share of charming bars – and putting down roots seems the only logical thing to do. Being top dog on the local council, however, is not the same as world domination.
DO… develop the ability to loop time
Case study: “Edge of Tomorrow”
We all make mistakes, but that really doesn’t matter if you can channel your inner Punxsutawney Phil and turn back time. By trapping everyone else in your own personal Groundhog Day, you can learn from your battlefield errors, fix the things that once went wrong, and ensure you come out on top. Every. Single. Time.
DON’T… skimp on your disguises
Case study: “The Invaders”
It’s the small details that count. If your tech is sufficiently advanced to craft convincing human facsimiles, why not push the boat out a little further and give them a pulse and a pinky finger that doesn’t stick out at a telltale weird angle?
DO… have humans raise your offspring
Case study: “Village of the Damned”
Even if their offspring are evil little ****s, humans tend to love their kids. Take advantage of this evolutionary flaw (sorry, trait) by impregnating Earth women and having them raise your progeny for you.
It’s unlikely your children will be able to hide their inherited desire for world domination for long, but they’ll do what they can to pave the way for your arrival.
DON’T… forget your jabs
Case study: “War of the Worlds”
Even humans know that it’s often a good idea to get vaccinated when they visit a new country. So heading to Earth without boosting your immunity to local diseases means risking colossal embarrassment. And lots of excess phlegm.
DO… spread your spores
Case study: “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”
Spaceships are hard to do. Not only do you need to build them and develop a form of propulsion capable of traversing the immense distances between stars, but you also have to keep the creatures inside them alive in the vacuum of space. In other words, too much effort.
If, however, you spread your spores via stellar winds, all the painful work is done for you. Once your seeds have made Earthfall, it’s just a small matter of infecting unwitting Earth folk and replacing them with pliant pod people. Job done.
DON’T… forget to update your anti-virus software
Case study: “Independence Day”
Maybe you forgot to renew your anti-virus subscription. Maybe you think your operating system won’t be susceptible to malware designed for ‘inferior’ Earth computers. But come on, losing your fleet to a virus sent by a mid-90s Mac is a system error you’ll never live down.
DO… hide in plain sight
Case study: “Bugonia”
Most humans choose not to believe that there are aliens among them. So if you sent a spy to Earth, made sure they looked entirely human and they got themselves, say, a respectable job as the CEO of a major company, nobody would ever suspect they came from another planet.
In fact, anyone who suggested they were born on a different world would be so thoroughly discredited that keeping their identity secret would be a doddle.
DON’T… rely on a hive mind
Case study: “The Avengers”
Sure, there are certain efficiencies that come from networking your computers, but you’ll have egg on your face the next time Earth’s Mightiest Heroes (their words, not ours) join forces and take out your command ship.
DO… absorb everything in your path
Case study: “The Thing“
If you’re the sort of alien species who can absorb and replicate any species you come into contact with, then Earth really is yours for the taking. The only thing you need to avoid is crash-landing in an uninhabited area.
Find your way into more populated parts of the world, however, and projections suggest the entire planet could be yours in just three years.
DON’T… be dandruff
Case study: “Evolution“
Arsenic is poisonous to carbon-based lifeforms, so — the logic goes — selenium must be toxic to anyone whose DNA runs on nitrogen.
The science may be questionable, but would you want to take the risk? Especially when you know Earth has vast supplies of selenium-filled Head & Shoulders waiting to take you out.
DO… have fun
Case study: “Mars Attacks!”
Taking over your nearest neighbor in the Solar System is a serious business, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good laugh while you’re doing it.
Want to know what would happen if you attached the head of a “Sex and the City” star to a dog’s body? You’ll never know unless you try. Playing skittles with ancient landmarks? Why not give it a go? And surely it would be rude not to reimagine Mount Rushmore with your own visage.
DON’T… bother
Case study: “Doctor Who“
For a small blue dot described as “Mostly Harmless” by “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” (other reference works are available), Earth has a lot of supporters across the cosmos. Indeed, so many previous invasions have been thwarted by Time Lords, superheroes, and other unlikely protectors that it may be best to stay at home.
