After weeks of excruciating headlines and wild gossip at the top end of town, BMW-driving private equity heavyweight Joel Thickins has finally faced the music over his five-car smash in Queens Park earlier this month.

Any hopes that the head of TPG Capital’s Asia branch might breeze through proceedings with a so-called ‘Double Bay defence’ quickly evaporated inside the Local Court, where he was handed a public dressing-down every bit as bruising as the vehicle damage.

Dressed in a black suit, blue shirt and tie, with RM Williams boots and clutching two mobile phones, Thickins arrived at John Maddison Tower on Goulburn Street looking every inch the corporate rainmaker.

One accessory, however, stood out more than the rest: his wedding ring.

While his wife, Celina, was nowhere to be seen, the prominent display of his wedding band suggests their marriage remains intact after his prang – which came after she allegedly issued her husband an ultimatum: move from Melbourne to Sydney so he could escape a certain bad influence, or risk losing the marriage altogether.

But more on that later…

Back to Thickins’ day in court. Rather than waste everyone’s time by representing himself or contesting the charges, the father of two, who lives in South Coogee, simply pleaded guilty to negligent driving and twice refusing a breath test.

He was fined a total of $1,430 and disqualified from driving for nine months.

If looks could kill: Joel Thickins (pictured right) is seen leaving court on Tuesday with a snarl on his face alongside criminal lawyer Justin Wong

Thickins, who was tailed by Max Aitchison of The Australian while leaving court, gave a written statement through his lawyer

Fast-talking, no-nonsense Local Court Judge Michael Barko delivered a blistering assessment of Thickins’ conduct, describing his behaviour towards police as ‘indignant, argumentative and obstinate’ after he refused to cooperate and repeatedly declined to provide a breath sample.

‘Without maiming someone or killing someone, it can’t get much worse,’ Barko said.

‘It is an absolute shocker.’

For a dealmaker used to calling the shots in the C-suite, it was a withering assessment delivered from the bench – to a room of traffic offenders and journalists covering every messy detail of the case.

Following the outcome, in a statement provided by his lawyer, Justin Wong of Streeton Lawyers, Thickins apologised for his actions.

‘I would like to sincerely apologise to the police, the court and the people impacted by my reckless actions on 1 June,’ Thickins said.

‘I am fully aware of the seriousness of the matter and know that I have let down my family, my friends and the community.

‘I accept full responsibility for the accident. I apologise again for the inconvenience and distress caused, and I will meet all costs for the damage.

Celina Thickins (pictured) did not accompany her husband to court on Tuesday

The private equity giant careened into five cars. Some of the damage is pictured

Attention is now turning to Thickins’ former friend and associate Rob Speedie (pictured), the ex-Novotech CFO who was once among Thickins’ closest allies in the top end of town

‘As I have assured the court, this will never happen again.’

His employer, TPG Capital, also moved swiftly into damage-control mode, issuing a statement through crisis communications veteran Sue Cato confirming it had commissioned an unrelated third-party investigation.

‘While we were disappointed to learn of Joel’s actions when he was involved in a car collision in Sydney, we acknowledge that Joel is taking full responsibility for his actions and the impact they have caused and that he appreciates the seriousness of the matter,’ the statement said.

‘Since the collision occurred, TPG has undertaken a comprehensive third-party investigation into the circumstances surrounding the collision as well as a set of unrelated allegations that publicly emerged several days later.

‘The investigation has determined those unrelated allegations to be entirely without merit. We will be communicating directly with our stakeholders in the coming days as to the broader path forward.’

While Thickins escaped the maximum penalty of 18 months’ jail and a $3,500 fine for refusing a breath test, Judge Barko took into account his lack of prior convictions and early guilty plea, instead imposing a nine-month driving ban, an $880 fine for refusing roadside breath tests and another $550 for negligent driving.

But while the legal saga may be over, the fallout appears far from it.

Unfortunately, a few bad headlines are a side-effect of ‘reckless’ driving that could have ended far worse than it did, Joel

Speedie split from his second wife, former JPMorgan MD Annabelle Mooney, after exiting Novotech under a cloud last year. He is now dating a new partner, Cath (seen together)

I’m reliably informed Thickins arrived at court carrying more than just his legal woes on his shoulders.

Sources say the executive has become increasingly frustrated by the torrent of media attention surrounding his downfall, blaming journalists covering the matter and privately nursing what one insider described as a growing ‘persecution complex’.

He is said to be particularly rankled that his name became entangled in the Novotech saga involving former friend and fellow corporate hell-raiser Rob Speedie – collateral damage, in his view, in a scandal that wasn’t his own.

Speedie, by the way, happens to be that bad influence I mentioned earlier, from whom Celina wanted her husband kept a safe distance.

As I’ve previously reported, Thickins and Speedie were quite the double act back in the day, described by one insider as ‘nerds done good’ who seemed determined to make up for a bookish adolescence later in life.

Leaked text messages seen by the Daily Mail and widely shared among corporate insiders show Speedie referring to heavy partying with Thickins at a company event in 2022, where TPG reportedly spent about $100,000 on a private performance by Guy Sebastian.

Questions surrounding Speedie’s murky departure as CFO from clinical trials business Novotech – which has been primarily held by TPG since 2017 – have become something of a sideshow to Thickins’ driving saga in recent weeks.

Indeed, while Speedie is not before the courts, his confidential multimillion-dollar workplace dispute is considered far more explosive in the corporate world after he allegedly outlined a culture of hard partying and heavy drinking at TPG in a series of damning messages to a workplace lawyer.

Those texts, understandably, have left some powerful men feeling a little hot under the collar.

Thickins, for his part, is understood to be fed up with seeing his face in headlines about Speedie’s ‘chaotic’ former life in the corporate fast lane.

I have it on good authority he has been grumbling to friends that the media is ‘not into the truth anymore’ and that he is being dragged into ‘second and third derivative matters’ he has nothing to do with.

Unfortunately, a few bad headlines are a side-effect of ‘reckless’ driving that could have ended far worse than it did, Joel.

Whether he can repair his reputation as easily as he can pay the repair bill for five damaged cars remains to be seen.

As for Speedie, he has settled down since undergoing treatment for executive burnout last year following reports of a medical episode during a meeting linked to the sale of a major stake in Novotech to Singaporean investment giants GIC and Temasek.

The father of four is now dating a woman named Cath after splitting from his second wife, former JPMorgan managing director Annabelle Mooney. (His first marriage was to ANZ policy lead Angela Speedie, with whom he shares two sons.)

The new couple are understood to be living in a $3,000-a-week home in Melbourne’s bayside suburb of Brighton.