Shock, nausea… sorrow. In that order.
That’s how I felt reading the Daily Mail’s bombshell reporting about the long-suffering husband of disgraced ex-DHS Secretary Kristi Noem.
For Bryon Noem, it seems, is a first-class perv.
The father of three reportedly showered more than $25,000 over uber-busty gals in the so-called ‘bimbofication’ online fetish scene.
Never heard of it ‘bimbofication’? Neither have 99 percent of us. This former first husband of South Dakota apparently went way down the internet rabbit hole and popped out in another dimension.
Bryon, 56, appears to be obsessed with women sporting jugs topping 3000 cubic centimeters — for reference that’s more than 6.5 times bigger than Kylie Jenner’s breast implants (only 445cc).
‘How are your boobs? Would you ever go bigger??’ Bryon reportedly asked his fetish-fillers, who are known to super-size their assets with saline injections.
And Busty Bryon wasn’t just looking.
Bryon, 56, appears to be obsessed with women sporting jugs topping 3000 cubic centimeters — for reference that’s more than 6.5 times bigger than Kylie Jenner’s breast implants (only 445cc)
For Bryon Noem, it seems, is a first-class perv
The Daily Mail has published pictures showing Bryon donning fuchsia leggings and a white tube top stuffed with massive balloons.
The balloon knots were positioned so that they looked like nipples. In other shots, he’s wearing similarly tight clothes, showing off his gazongas and pert derriere, completing the look with a cute duck face.
It’s almost impossible to appall me but these pics made me spit my green tea. Though, as I mopped the honey Ginseng off my computer monitor, I got a sinking feeling.
It’s easy to forget that our politicians and their spouses are people, too. Kristi and Bryon are high school sweethearts, married for three decades, the parents of now-grown kids.
A representative for Kristi released a statement Tuesday morning. ‘Ms Noem is devastated. The family was blindsided by this, and they ask for privacy and prayers at the time,’ it read.
For all of ICE Barbie’s faults, from militarizing the streets of Minneapolis to justifying the accidental deaths of Americans to traipsing around the country strapped like a SWAT team member, even she doesn’t deserve this humiliation.
But ‘blindsided’?
One of my first questions is: Did Kristi have any inkling?
I’m guessing that if this guy was so transfixed by breasts that his wife would have started to get a sense of it. And it’s not like their marriage was all hunky dory.
In some ways, it seems to me he may have been trying to mortify her. But why?
Perhaps we should look no further than human wrecking ball and ex-Noem advisor, Corey Lewandowski. As far back as 2021, rumors started swirling that Noem and Lewandowski were romantically involved. In 2023, the Daily Mail first reported that the two had allegedly been carrying on a ‘clandestine affair for years.’
Kristi always denied it. And Bryon stayed by her side. But that situation always seemed untenable.
The spandex really hit the laptop when Noem testified before Congress earlier this month and was asked by a shameless Democratic congresswoman: ‘Have you had sexual relations with Corey Lewandowski?’
‘I am shocked that we’re going down and peddling tabloid garbage in this committee today,’ Noem responded.
Bryon was sitting directly behind his wife.
Bryon Noem’s recklessness is almost inexplicable. It would make sense to me if he – maybe even subconsciously – wanted to get caught.
After all, he has been a political spouse since 2006 when Kristi was first elected to South Dakota House of Representatives. He must have considered what would happen if his perversions ever leaked out. And fetish models, I’d imagine, aren’t known for their discretion. Plus, he didn’t seem to be too careful about keeping a secret.
Under the nom de gag, Jason Jackson, he developed a rapport with some of his augmented online playmates. One woman claimed she once butt-dialed ‘Jason’ (an occupation hazard when you have 6,000cc cheeks) and got his voicemail, revealing his true identity. ‘Noem Insurance, leave a message,’ the greeting reportedly said.
A special agent, this guy is not.
The silicon sister then Googled the name, pulled up pictures of Bryon and Kristi and allegedly confronted him.
‘I was completely shocked,’ the bimboficationer told the Daily Mail. ‘I said, “Why are you doing this?”… He said he didn’t care. I thought, you should care – your wife could lose everything she’s ever worked for.’
As far back as 2021, rumors started swirling that Noem and Lewandowski (right) were romantically involved
If one feels any sympathy for Kristi’s husband, it’s here. He reportedly confided in his ‘bimbofication’ friends that he loved his wife. Then, he’d disappear offline for a bit before straying back to overflowing digital bosoms.
But at the end of the day, there’s no excuse for this – because Bryon’s online viewing could have posed a national security risk.
‘If a media organization can find this out, you can assume with a high degree of confidence that a hostile intelligence service knows this as well,’ former CIA officer Marc Polymeropoulos told the Daily Mail.
That’s no joke. Kristi Noem was once the chief of the Department of Homeland Security and tasked – in part – with defending the country from foreign threats.
What would have happened if Mad Vlad got his grubby mitts on these pics before the Daily Mail did? Would Putin have been able to blackmail the DHS Secretary?
Thankfully, that’s no longer a concern.
I sincerely hope that all parties can move on from this sordid story and find some resolution. And ladies, if your sports bra isn’t where you left it – start asking questions.
