David Archuleta didn’t feel like a winner after receiving his one-way ticket to Hollywood. 

The American Idol alum shared that despite his rise to fame on the singing competition in 2008, he lived much more modestly at the time as a form of self-punishment. 

“I didn’t feel like I deserved to take care of myself,” David told People in an interview published Feb. 17. “Even though I was having a lot of success in the public, I was sleeping in my car a lot of times because that’s what I believed I deserved.”

Indeed, the now 35-year-old—who was runner up to David Cook on the seventh season of Idol—admitted, “I had concocted this belief that I didn’t deserve to treat myself well,” noting that living the way he did was “an act of contrition.”

“For my wicked thoughts,” he continued, “for allowing myself to be manipulated by so many. I was at the height of fame, and I chose homelessness. You can have everything, but worthiness comes from within, and I had none.”