Dear Vanessa,

My husband and I are at a loss. Our son is 30. Two years ago, we gave him a significant amount towards the deposit on his first apartment.

It wasn’t a loan and we didn’t draw anything up, but it was a portion of our savings. We wanted him to have security and get on the property ladder.

He worked hard too, and the property is in his name. We’re incredibly proud of him.

Eight months ago, he met a woman. She seems nice enough, but things have moved very quickly. She’s now talking about moving in and even marriage.

We feel it’s too soon.

We’ve tried gently raising the idea that he should protect his asset, perhaps with a prenup if things progress. He shut us down and accused us of criticising her. He doesn’t want to hear anything negative and says we’re interfering.

We don’t dislike her. We just worry he’s thinking with his heart and not his head, and that the flat we helped him buy could be at risk.

Finance expert Vanessa Stoykov gives advice to a couple who are worried about their son’s first property

Do we have any right to push this? Or do we have to stay silent and hope for the best?

Concerned Parents.

Dear Concerned Parents,

You are not unreasonable.

When parents contribute to a deposit, it rarely feels like ‘just a gift’. It represents years of work and sacrifice. Of course, you feel protective.

But here is the difficult truth: once that money was given without conditions, it became your son’s asset. Legally, it is his. Emotionally, you still feel connected to it.

The challenge now is influence. When someone is newly in love, any suggestion that their partner could be a financial risk can feel like an attack. That is why he shut the conversation down.

So if you want to raise it again, it must be framed differently – as information, not criticism.

What you can reasonably suggest is that he simply understands his options before making big decisions. For example, you could encourage him to speak to a lawyer about what happens if a partner moves in or if they marry. That conversation alone often opens people’s eyes to how property law works.

You might also explain that there are several ways people protect assets like property when a relationship is still new.

One option is a prenuptial agreement, or what’s called a binding financial agreement in Australia. This clearly sets out what each person brought into the relationship and what would happen if the relationship ended.

Another option is keeping the property clearly separate. That might mean ensuring the flat remains in his name alone and being careful about major renovations or financial contributions that could blur ownership.

If she moves in, some couples create a cohabitation agreement. This sets expectations around living costs, contributions and what happens to the property if the relationship ends.

Another practical approach is to keep finances separate for a period rather than immediately pooling everything together.

And sometimes the simplest strategy is time. Relationships that feel very intense in the first year often settle into something more realistic once people have lived together and experienced everyday life.

The important thing is not that he chooses any option. The important thing is that he understands they exist.

If you raise the subject again, keep it simple. You might say, ‘We’re not judging your relationship. We just want you to know there are ways people protect property they bought before a relationship.’

You could also suggest something broader – that this might be a good moment for him to speak with a financial planner about his future more generally. If he is thinking about marriage, property, and building a life with someone, it can help to sit down with a professional and look at the bigger financial picture.

Sometimes hearing these issues explained by a neutral expert lands very differently than hearing them from parents. If you wanted to support that step, you could even offer to contribute to the cost of that advice as a positive gesture.

If he does want to explore that option, he can find a qualified financial adviser here.

Parenting adult children often means saying something once, clearly and calmly, and then letting them decide. You cannot force someone to hear advice they’re not ready for.

Your job is not to control the outcome. It is to make sure he knows there are choices available to him.

After that, you trust that the values and judgement you raised him with will guide him – and that whatever happens, your relationship with him remains stronger than any disagreement about property.

All the best,

Vanessa.

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