Dear Vanessa,

My ex-husband and I divorced eight years ago after a 22-year marriage. 

We have two children together, and our eldest daughter is getting married next year. 

She’s always dreamed of a beautiful wedding. Nothing extravagant, but by the time you add the venue, food and everything else, it’s looking like it will cost around $45,000. 

The problem is that my ex now earns more than twice what I do. Since our divorce, his business has taken off. He has a new wife, a beautiful home and takes overseas holidays every year. 

I work full-time but on a much more modest income. I’ve been putting money aside for years so I can help our daughter, but it’s becoming clear I simply can’t contribute what her father can. 

When I suggested we each pay half, he laughed and said that wasn’t fair because I ‘chose’ a lower-paying career after the divorce. He says he’ll contribute what he wants directly to our daughter and isn’t interested in matching my contribution. 

Our daughter says she doesn’t want this to become another argument between us, but I can see she’s disappointed. She’s trying to make everyone happy. 

Part of me feels resentful. We both raised these children. I supported him while he built his career, yet now I feel like I’m carrying the emotional load while he gets to be the generous parent. 

Vanessa Stoykov (pictured) gives money advice to a woman whose ex-husband is refusing to make an equal contribution to their daughter’s wedding 

Should I push him to contribute equally, or accept that after divorce, financial fairness sometimes disappears? 

Vanessa, how do I stop money becoming another battle in a family that’s already been through enough?

Vanessa’s response:

Weddings have a remarkable way of bringing old divorce wounds back to the surface. 

What looks like a disagreement about paying for flowers or a venue is often really about something much deeper – fairness, recognition and the roles each parent has played since the marriage ended. 

The first thing I’d say is this: your daughter’s wedding is not the place to settle the score for the last eight years. 

You may feel your ex has benefited financially since the divorce while you’ve made different sacrifices. Those feelings are valid. But trying to balance those scales through a wedding rarely ends well. 

Your daughter has one goal – to celebrate with the people she loves. She doesn’t want to remember her engagement as the time Mum and Dad fought over who paid what. 

‘Your daughter’s wedding is not the place to settle the score for the last eight years,’ Vanessa says 

Instead of insisting on equal dollar amounts, try shifting the conversation to what each of you is willing and able to contribute. One parent may pay more financially. The other may contribute countless hours organising the day, supporting the couple and helping everything run smoothly. 

Both have value. 

If your ex chooses to contribute more because he has greater financial capacity, that doesn’t diminish your role as a parent. Comparison is where resentment grows. 

It’s also worth remembering that no parent is obligated to fund an expensive wedding. A contribution is a gift, not an entitlement. If the budget relies on parents stretching themselves financially or reopening old conflicts, it may be time to have an honest conversation about what everyone can realistically afford. 

Your daughter will learn something important from how you handle this. If she sees two divorced parents communicating respectfully, setting clear boundaries and refusing to let money overshadow a milestone, that’s a far greater gift than paying for an extra course at the reception. 

Sometimes the greatest act of generosity isn’t writing the biggest cheque. It’s choosing peace. Money comes and goes. Family relationships last much longer. 

That’s an investment worth making.

Best wishes, 

Vanessa 

You can subscribe to Vanessa’s free newsletter here.